A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story

[flondo]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with
blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other crap too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent
Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

[Jaygre]

You're right flondo! I laughed so hard my husband came over to see what kind of a site I was on...hehehehehehe.

"WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered the other club members."

This was the one that I roared over.

Thanks.
Joanie

[flondo]

~ :d

[burndog]

I doubt I would have made it past Wednesday, my wife knows better, if she wants me to get more exercise she would just buy me a larger snowshovel.

[flondo]

To be quite honest, the last time I went to a gym I paid my yearly membership and when I went to pick up my card a few days later, walked into the weights room - everyone had biceps the size of my waist - , walked out and never went back.

AND I wasn't quite forty then!

But I do watch exercise programmes on television, but they don't seem to do anything for me.

- perhaps I should get off the sofa and actually do something! - hehe

[Dave]

[QUOTE=burndog]I doubt I would have made it past Wednesday, my wife knows better, if she wants me to get more exercise she would just buy me a larger snowshovel.[/QUOTE]Make that a smaller snow shovel .... :devil:

[quote=Flondo]But I do watch exercise programmes on television, but they don't seem to do anything for me. [/quote]You're watching the wrong exercise programmes! Think Eric Prydez .... that video does wonders for me! :)

[magic_fella]

I went jogging once. But then I figured out that taking the car would be MUCH faster.

David

[ldg40]

That is so hysterical! LOL for way too long! Great find Flondo! :)

[Siouxie]

i´m finally going to start in september doing some Jiu Jitsu with my son, he is 2 years ahead of me but i think i´m going to catch up soon :)

i at least hope :D

my boyfriend just bought himself a new bycicle, not that this would help :D

he has a mountain bike for about 5 years now, i still wonder why?
He is so lazy if he is going for cigarettes (which is about 5 min on feet) he drives with the car.

As i asked him why a new bike, he hasn´t been riding the old one more often than twice a year, he just answered the old one isn´t ok. The new one is absolutly great ( a race bike). He said he will ride it every weekend. I really wonder how long this is gonna work...

(i started my private bet with his father - who really rides every day to work and back - that his enthousiasm woun´t last longer than two weeks :) - we will see :D )

[burndog]

^ new bike, new novelty, I'm guessing 3 weeks if the weather cooperates...best of luck withe Jiu Jitsu Siouxie, I'm guessing that it would be good for you.