Laughter

[Happy]

Hi. I just want to make sure everyone understands that this laughter thread is meant to share clean humour. Please do not post any offensive or inappropriate jokes (including ethnic, off-color, dirty, or potty humor jokes).

I will remove a joke if I find a joke offensive or potentially offensive to any of our addicts. If any addict finds a joke offensive, please report the post and the offending joke will be removed.

This is a global website and we do not need to offend anyone!

Keep smiling. :happy:


When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said .. "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

[burndog]

I can honestly say I was LOL. Goodone.

[Silky]

I love your jokes of the day, Happy...I was definitely lol'ing on that one! :D

[Happy]

[QUOTE=Silky]I love your jokes of the day, Happy...I was definitely lol'ing on that one! :D[/QUOTE]

edit that to read 'Clean' jokes. :D

though I do enjoy a good steamy joke - it's the clean one's that really get my laughter going. Sometimes the dumber the better.

[TrinityOfOne]

Nice one Happy :)

Silk, is Jolt out of frame somewhere in your avatar? :)

[Dave]

[QUOTE=TrinityOfOne]Nice one Happy :)

Silk, is Jolt out of frame somewhere in your avatar? :)[/QUOTE]Do not at this point say hes just blown away at present :D

[Dave]

That was fun, tell us another silly joke :D

[swillox]

herm... Dave,... sorry but,... do you know you got a trace of brake in your pants ?

[Dave]

[QUOTE=swillox]herm... Dave,... sorry but,... do you know you got a trace of brake in your pants ?[/QUOTE]
Hey! Who's had their hands in my underpants! Hahahahahahahahahaha

[Happy]

[QUOTE=Dave]That was fun, tell us another silly joke :D[/QUOTE]

There is a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged. A customer needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with their newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led to the retro question,

"Do you know the way to sand, Jose?"

[Silky]

[QUOTE=swillox]herm... Dave,... sorry but,... do you know you got a trace of brake in your pants ?[/QUOTE]

Teh WINNAR!!

[Silky]

[QUOTE=TrinityOfOne]Silk, is Jolt out of frame somewhere in your avatar? :)[/QUOTE]

If I tell you that, Trin, you'll blush...:eek:

[Silky]

[QUOTE=Dave]Hey! Who's had their hands in my underpants! Hahahahahahahahahaha[/QUOTE]

It was....uhmmmmmm...nah, I'll just let that slide. :D

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Silky]It was....uhmmmmmm...nah, I'll just let that slide. :D[/QUOTE]Well what happens if I get run over by a bus? Hmmmmmmmmm

[burndog]

sand jose...another pretty punny one.

[Happy]

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

[Dave]

Huge groan! Good morning OHF :)

:horse:

[Happy]

Guy explains to his doctor,

"Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.

What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

[Dave]

Are you taking the Mickey? :D

Hiya Happy .... hows your Valentine's Day going?

[Happy]

Valentine's Day - eh - it's just another day out of the year. (L)

Q. What did the boy bat say to the girl bat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're fun to hang around with!

Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're purrr-fect for me!

Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!

Q. What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day?
A. I'm nuts about you!




Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Atlas.
Atlas who?
Atlas Valentine's Day is here!


:hl: (k)

[Dave]

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Howard.

Howard who?

Howard you like a great big kiss?

[Happy]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Wanda Witch

Wanda Witch who?

Wanda Witch you a happy Valentine's Day.


:hug:

[Dave]

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you! [I love you]

:blush:

[Happy]

While shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself. "Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," Wally replied.

"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue!"

[Dave]

In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible.
After being ridden too hard for too long, his horse became lame, and seeing a small town ahead he headed straight for the stables there.
"I must have a horse!" he cried "The life of the King depends upon it!"
The stablekeeper shook his head. "I have no horses," he said. "They have all been taken in the service of your King."
"You must have something - a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?" the knight asked.
"Nothing..... unless.... no, I couldn't"
The knight's eyes lit up. "Tell me!"
The stablekeeper leads the knight into the stable. Inside is a dog, but no ordinary dog. This dog is a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. But it is also the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, mangiest dog that the knight has ever seen.
Swallowing, the knight said "I'll take it. Where is the saddle?"
The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. "I can't do it." he told the knight.
"You must give me the dog!" cried the knight. "Why can't you?"


The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

:D Morning Happy one! :D

[Happy]

:D :lol: :horse: :lol: :D

Very punny dave - Morning!

[MrRaven]

[QUOTE=Dave]
The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
[/QUOTE]

:D v.funny. gave me the giggles :D

:horse:

[burndog]

...The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."...very good Dave

[Silky]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.* Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.*

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."* He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.* Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the* bed.* The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM.* Wake up."

[ldg40]

Oh so deadly- the silent treatment!! (yet very effective!!)

What a wonderful thread! My thanks to all for making my life a bit brighter!

[Dave]

You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you

[Happy]

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on."

[Dave]

/me tries not to laugh but fails

:rolleyes:

[Newby]

It is the French revolution and a Priest, a Plumber, and an Engineer about to lose their heads to the guillotine. One well known thing about the Guillotine is that if it doesn’t fall all the way on the release you a free to go. So the priest is pulled up and says “I would like to face the sky so I can see my way to heaven.
His wish was granted they pulled the lever and the blade stuck half way down, so he was free to go.

Next it was the plumber’s turn. Seeing what happened with the priest he also asked if he could face the sky. His request was granted and sure enough the blade stuck again.

Finally the engineer steps up, and seeing the results of the last to attempts asks to face the sky. As he lays there facing the sky he says “hey there’s a problem with your guillotine” suffice to say the engineer is no more.

Just because you know something doesn’t mean you always have to say something :)

[Scott]

I got pulled over last week for speeding....

When the cop came up to my car window and asked me for my license and registration I calmly explained, "I don't have any"

"you don't have a license at all?"

"nope"

"is this your vehicle?", said the cop.

"nope, I stole it."

"Stole it? When?"

"about 10 minutes ago", I said.

The cop slowly stepped away from the car and drew his gun.. then asked, "Who'd you steal it from?"

I said, "The dead guy in the back seat. He put up quite a fight but I finally managed to get the best of him."

"You killed a man?" asked the cop.

"yup! Needed the car."

By this time the cop is really on edge pointing his gun at me and looking at me very sternly. He then gets on his radio and I hear him call for backup. For about 15 minutes I sat calmly in my car with the cop telling me repeatedly "Don't move. Keep your hands on the steering wheel!"

After 15 minutes another squad car pulled up in front of me. Another officer got out, drew his gun then they both directed me out of the car, made me lay face down in the road, cuffed and searched me. Then they went to look inside the vehicle.

After a few minutes the second officer, which appeared to be of a higher rank, came over to me and asked, "Where's this person you say you killed?"

I said, "What? What are you talking about?"

Then the second officer said, "We found photo ID and registration for the vehicle in your name inside the glove box."

I said, "Of course you did, it's my car."

"Then why did you tell the other officer you had killed someone and stole their car?"

I said, "What? Oh man.... I bet that lying SOB also told you I was speeding too huh?"

[Newby]

That's is seriously funny

[Siouxie]

:) i know this one in german too, and every time i heard it i still have to laugh

[Happy]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."



One to go...


A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.

AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

[Dave]

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

added by Dave ....
With that she jumped into her open top convertible and drove home ....

:D

[Happy]

:lol: I specifically enjoyed the punchline you added.

[Happy]

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?

A: A cocka-poodle-doo!

:lol:


Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?

A. Because of the Peking Duck.

:jump:

[Dave]

[f= Quote by Ambrose Bierce] Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. [/f]

Payback from yesterday :)

[f=Quote by W C Fields] Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. [/f]

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-****************-

[Happy]

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,

"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

[Dave]

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

:)

[Silky]

[QUOTE=OneHappyFemale]A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,

"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"[/QUOTE]

OMG...groooooooan! :D

[burndog]

^^all my business...that is hillarious Dave:D :D

[Dave]

I Don't Get This!
While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' good."

Indian is shocked...

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian has a look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"

Horse: "Good."

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."

Indian stares in utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep is liar."

Dare YOU explain it though? :)

[D Rock]

two peanuts where walking down the street, one was assalted

[Happy]

I'm not explaining!

do you think a new thread is in order for these innuendo jokes

[Dave]

What's an Innuendo?

:innocent look:

[Happy]

Look it up - That's what dictionaries are for.

:D

[Dave]

Google or Wikopedia are good too! :)

[123456789]

A highly agitated man burst into the psychiatrists office screaming:
"I'm a wig-wam, I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wig-wam, I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wig-wam, I'm a tee-pee."
The psychiatrist looked at the man and said in a calm voice:
"Relax, you're two tents." - (too tense)
heheheh

[Dave]

GROAN!!!!But 10/10 for trying

[123456789]

heheheheheh

[burndog]

Dave, your cowboy/indian joke is the funniest I have heard in ages I really did LAUGH out LOUDDD!!!

[Happy]

Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?

A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.


:comedy:

[swillox]

A guy to another: "hey, do you know why we call you FartHead?"

The other guy: "Pfffffff!"

[Happy]

Hi. I just want to make sure everyone understands that this laughter thread is meant to share clean humour. Please do not post any offensive or inappropriate jokes (including ethnic, off-color, dirty, or potty humor jokes).

I will remove a joke if I find a joke offensive or potentially offensive to any of our addicts. If any addict finds a joke offensive, please report the post and the offending joke will be removed.

This is a global website and we do not need to offend anyone!

Keep smiling. :happy:

[Dave]

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?”

“Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer!”

[Newby]

Good one Dave :haha:

[Happy]

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

:slomo:

[Dave]

WOW a talking sloth!

:lolsign:

[down2earth2]

An Irish Pub Joke...

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody b@#$^@&d! Spit it out!'

An Irish Pub Joke...

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'


An Irish Pub Joke...

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'

'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'

[123456789]

lol d2e2, all excellent.







OneHappyFemale messed with this post on 03/16/2005 at 11:46 AM. See 1st post in thread.

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=123456789]lol d2e2, all excellent.







OneHappyFemale messed with this post on 03/16/2005 at 11:46 AM. See 1st post in thread.[/QUOTE]

Yipes! Are these offensive? If they are, my extreme apoligies and lets get them off. Somehow I suspect an Irishperson would find them more funny than offensive, but I'm only Irish one day a year, so I don't really know.

[Happy]

[QUOTE=down2earth2]Yipes! Are these offensive? If they are, my extreme apoligies and lets get them off. Somehow I suspect an Irishperson would find them more funny than offensive, but I'm only Irish one day a year, so I don't really know.[/QUOTE]

I adjusted the cuss word in yours - these can stay in due to the approaching holiday :irishdrink:

[123456789]

Ummm, sorry. I meant no offense !?! :1ooops:

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=123456789]Ummm, sorry. I meant no offense !?! :1ooops:[/QUOTE]

NP. I read happy's first post and didn't catch she altered the cuss word, so I jumped to conclusions. Most exercise I've had all day. :)

[Silky]

[QUOTE=down2earth2]NP. I read happy's first post and didn't catch she altered the cuss word, so I jumped to conclusions. Most exercise I've had all day. :)[/QUOTE]

Funny thing is I read the joke before it was altered and I skimmed right over the cussing without it even registering....LOL! It couldn't have been too bad in the cussing department...either that or I'm totally desensitized to it! (Kinda tells you that Scott cusses a lot eh?) :eek:

[Dave]

Silky's so sweet and innocent ....

:!!!:

Yeah righty! :)

[Dave]

How hot is it in Hell?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[Newby]

That's good :haha:

You know I wrote a essay once that was a pass/fail. It was a requirement to graduate, the topic was "What do you think would be the most benefitial action to improve the college for Future studnets." Sufice to say, I had my usually pre test warm up (2 cervesas) and relax. I got into the exam and wrote a really good paper on how it would be benefitial to get rid of the current President of the university because he gives himself $100,000 raises and funnels money from other departments into his beloved Business school. (Mind you all of this was true, and documented in the local newspaper).

I finished my paper knowing full well I aced it. 2 weeks later I got the results back and I was failed. Come to find out later that the President's wife was one of the proof-readers. Suffice to say, I had to take a make up class to substitute for not passing the exam. :sad:

[123456789]

Silly joke of the day:

Q: How do you top a car?

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=123456789]Silly joke of the day:

Q: How do you top a car?[/QUOTE]Tep on the brake?

[123456789]

I aid it wa illy. ;)

[Bodark]

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.

4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.

5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.

6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".

8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.

9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

[Happy]

Hi Bodark. You made me laugh :lol: I have not seen that list before. :haha:

[Bodark]

Hello, Happy(?)

[QUOTE=OneHappyFemale] You made me laugh :lol: [/QUOTE]

That's good.

[Dave]

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

Hey Burndog is that US dollars or Canadian dollars? :D

[burndog]

very good Dave, this should get some reactions>)

[Dave]

I'm checking my medical benefits right now :)

[PDG]

The high school coaches in Sacramento, California went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Darryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Darryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot.

They ask, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Man, that Darryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing--- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They ask, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful."

He said, "Man, that Darryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big ex-football player-looking type of man's man. Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."

They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Darryl into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

[Dave]

Damn those cheerleader coaches :)

[Happy]

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.

:jump:

[Dave]

Well Aswan High Dam just wouldn't be the same would it?

:lol: :chair: :rofl:

[PDG]

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear."

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear dung smells like pepper and has little bells in it.

[Dave]

Is this peppery dung found in the woods by any chance? :D

[PDG]

Yes, it can also be found at local Village People (http://www.rotten.com/library/culture/village-people/) meet-ups. :)

[Dave]

I'm NOT gonna, I'm NOT tempted, I WILL NOT explore those links at the bottom of that page! :)

especially the "Famous Nudes" link :)

[PDG]

lol...leave it to Dave to find those bloody links. I didn't even notice 'em.

[Happy]

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ‘til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake. “Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York State.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard- size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready...”

“I’ll give you $1,000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than...”

“I’ll give you $5,000 for it!”

“But it’s just not...”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now, $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
“Don’t forget your batteries.”

[Dave]

Hehehe

Telegraphed at paragraph 3 though :)

[PDG]

This is sooo funny!

[1cowabunga]

Hahaha! Reminds me of when cells phones first came out. :D

[Dave]

[QUOTE=1cowabunga]Hahaha! Reminds me of when cells phones first came out. :D[/QUOTE]
and the power packs for the first portable computers! They weighed a ton :)

[Happy]

Just clipped a job listing out of the paper. It wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise.

It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."

[Dave]

"Chairmans children only need apply!" :)

[Happy]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...

"The Meaning of Dreams"

[Dave]

Ahhhh the best things come in small packages :)

[Dave]

Aint no rednecks round here, just us chickens, y'all come back now ya hear? :)

[Dave]

As I always suspected .....

[Chris49]

Hay the math can't be wrong, right? :D

[snowflakejen]

So be it. :devil: (ha! I've use this one twice today!)

O, the power it gives us!!!
:devil2:

[Jaygre]

W R O N G G G G G Math, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!! Tawanda! Women Power.... Yea!!

[Dave]

You girls know you only have to snap your fingers and your guy comes running.

Evil I tell you, pure evil!

:D

[Dave]

He he,

I used to know a very vulgar version of that to do with men choosing a prostitute by specific attributes (blond hair, blue eyes, big toes "cough" and such like) and finishing up back on the street .... :blush:

[down2earth2]

We all make mistakes in parenting.

[Dave]

Grilled duck for dinner! :)

[Dave]

Howard Cosell = Tiny Tim (Tiptoe thru the Tulips) / Joe Pasquale?

Don't try thess if you want to keep your job .....

[MaryAnna]

Re: "Tollbooth paste" This joke is HILARIOUS!!!!! It is what my mother calls "offbeat humor." She is a fanatic about offbeat humor, and collects it. It is a rare humor, and I will certainly call her today and tell her this one. She will howl!

MaryAnna

[1cowabunga]

Oh my gosh GP! :D those court quotes are hillarious! thanks

[Dave]

Lawyers are silly! :D :D

[Dave]

That's not as bad as the nun and the blindman .... :)

[Mad_Madam_Mim]

i love all your jokes. i spent a goodly amount of time reading the first 2 pages. now i'm going cross-eyed and sleepy. it's now 12:22 am, so i better get to bed.

[Happy]

:lol: They joys of a long life!

[down2earth2]

Good ones GraphicallyPut. Definately gave me a smile and a chuckle.

[Happy]

A young lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinking perhaps it's about time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinking perhaps it’s about time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinking perhaps it’s about time you let me put me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Don’t you think it's about time you paid me the first three pennies?"

[Newby]

I almost thought I was going to have to sensor you :D, :jk:

[Dave]

Slagging of our Scottish cousins' perspicacity huh? :)

[Happy]

[QUOTE=Dave]Slagging of our Scottish cousins' perspicacity huh? :)[/QUOTE]

I expect I would hear the same thing from my guy. He's cheap that way. :yup:
and he's not Scottish

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Happy]I expect I would hear the same thing from my guy. He's cheap that way. :yup:
and he's not Scottish[/QUOTE]You're trying to tell me he's tight fisted after romancing you in Paris? Well! the gratitude of some people :D

Where's the photographs?

[Happy]

[QUOTE=Dave]You're trying to tell me he's tight fisted after romancing you in Paris? Well! the gratitude of some people :D

Where's the photographs?[/QUOTE]

Let's see how do I put this delicately ... I was able to accompany him to Paris due to the gratiousness of the business where he works.

The photo's have made their way to the computer. I need to censor some before posting.

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Happy]Let's see how do I put this delicately ... I was able to accompany him to Paris due to the gratiousness of the business where he works.

The photo's have made their way to the computer. I need to censor some before posting.[/QUOTE]That's your story and you're sticking to it? :)

You can show me the uncensored ones in private ..... :kisses:

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=Happy]I expect I would hear the same thing from my guy. He's cheap that way. :yup:
and he's not Scottish[/QUOTE]
So long as you're Happy...

[Newby]

That's a good one GP, thanks for the laugh :D

[Bodark]

All that without even mentioning hair color. :. Good one. :D

[HariSeldon]

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

This is forwarded from a graduate of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering Dept., citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's test questions
for his final exam of 1997.

Dr. Schlambaugh is known for asking questions on his final like, "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May 1997, The Momentum, Heat, And Mass Transfer II final exam question was, "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proof of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

"First we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls must also have mass. So at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions in the world that exist today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell.

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Answer 1: So if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

Answer 2: Of course if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, the temperature and pressure in Hell will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we except the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Answer 2 cannot be true.......thus Hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

[Dave]

Hari ... check page 4 of this thread :)

[HariSeldon]

[QUOTE=Dave]Hari ... check page 4 of this thread :)[/QUOTE]


oops! sorry about that, didn't read all the pages...

[Dave]

[QUOTE=HariSeldon]oops! sorry about that, didn't read all the pages...[/QUOTE]Now you have to come up with an equally good one (please) .... :)

[HariSeldon]

No good joke yet (that hasn't been done yet :-) ) but here is a funny picture...

http://images1.imagehigh.com/imagehigh/10062005122720_bbbbbbbbb.jpg

[Happy]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

[Chris49]

I got one-

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.

''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''

''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''

[Newby]

Police Service Answering Machine.
Hello, you have reached the ____________Police Service automated VoiceMail
system.

Pay close attention we've had to update the choices as new and unusual customer problems have present themselves.

Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1

To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2

To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge and you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.

[Chris49]

*cough* :mad: *cough*

[down2earth2]

Those were excellent, GraphicallyPut. Several good chuckles there.

[snowflakejen]

:haha: Excellent way to start my day!!!! Thanks GraphicallyPut!!!

[Silky]

Great stuff, GP! :D

[Happy]

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed?"

[Happy]

A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, “Hey, look, isn’t that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?”

:drive:

[Bodark]

[QUOTE=Happy] “Hey, look, isn’t that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?”
:drive:[/QUOTE]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v131/ms6wood/Smiley/blusher_2.gif

[fray]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.








:]

[Bodark]

Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said, "Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary?"

Jake replies, "Yep."

"Well" the old timer asked, "what are you planning on doing?"

Jake replies, "Well, I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary."

The other old timer asked, "Oh yea, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?"

Jake replies "I thought I might go back and pick her up."

[HariSeldon]

Here's something that made me laugh:

http://usera.imagecave.com/HariSeldon/askrevbuddy7wr.jpg

[Dave]

That's my kind of priest! :)

[down2earth2]

It makes a good point with a little humor.

[Maiden]

Never try to outsmart a clever woman….!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box !!"

ANCIENT CONFUSED WISDOM

* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done

[Maiden]

The Mensa Invitational once again asked members to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's [2005] winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hø1e.

[Dave]

It's been a few years since I've seen those clever lists, thanks hun :)

[Maiden]

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible Actual label instructions on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on box bottom):
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(And whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmm, now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

[Dave]

So that's why my wife bought me a Swedish brand chainsaw (sans packaging).

Nuts!

[Maiden]

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY DISINTERESTED
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is SHOP FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

[macwithfries]

Maiden sent me this neato book not long ago called "The Dags Dictionary"

Has a heap of funny stuff in it.....so thought I'd throw some in here....



Aquakinesis :
The ability of a spoon to move itself directly under the tap in the sink, thus ensuring a spray of water over anybody who turns on the tap.

Autopia:
The sense of joy and elation when you find a vacant parking space right outside the place you need to go.

Catasonic:
The speed at which a cat moves after you step on it's tail.

Chatatonic:
Descriptive of a stuperous state achieved after a long period on the phone to a friend who just won't shut up.

Dadulation:
The extravagant praise expected by men who have completed a domestic task.

Derrpositary:
A hiding place chosen for some particularly crucial item that's so clever and unexpected that, you now can't remember yourself.

Doojitsu:
The flurry of choreographed movements required to put a doona into a doona cover.

Snoregasm:
The particularly delicious and abandoned moment experienced
after you've pressed the snooze button on your alarm clock.

Refridgermate:
A friend who only likes you for your cold beer.

McFamished:
The feeling of being intensely hungry ten minutes after you've
finished a meal at McDonalds.

Slobstacle:
A person who just sits there while you try to vacuum or sweep
around his or her feet.

Gesundblight:
The affliction of allowing a tissue to smuggle itself into the wash, resulting in the spread of white fluff onto everything in the machine.

Hatmosphere:
The build-up of heat and sweat that forms beneath the rim of a baseball cap.

Horrorgami:
The vain attempt to re-fold a road map back the way it came, especially in high wind or while still driving.

Kindyscretion:
The loud, innapropriate, but usually truthful comment that your child makes at the worst possible moment. For example, "Why is that man's bottom so big?"

[Maiden]

Kindyscretion

LoL my daughter did that yesterday to me..."Mummy that lady hassa big butt", man did me, her & the trolley move fast...in the opposite direction ;)

[Dave]

Having problems GP? :break:

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=Maiden]Kindyscretion

LoL my daughter did that yesterday to me..."Mummy that lady hassa big butt", man did me, her & the trolley move fast...in the opposite direction ;)[/QUOTE]

Lol. You gotta love the nieve honsety.

[Happy]

While working in the psychology department at a local community college Peter was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. He called the copy room and asked:

"Can I get something blown up down there?"

After a pause the voice on the line replied,

"I think you want the chemistry lab."

[Dave]

Darwin Awards 2005

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.....

------------------------------------------

And now, the honourable mentions:

------------------------------------------

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

------------------------------------------

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

------------------------------------------

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

------------------------------------------

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

------------------------------------------

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

------------------------------------------

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

------------------------------------------

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

------------------------------------------

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

------------------------------------------

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

------------------------------------------

[Happy]

Joe knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at him, and said, "Joe, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

[Maiden]

^^^^ Lmao :d

[Dave]

The name's Dave, not Joe!

Ooops

:D

[Dave]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[down2earth2]

Bush died, and like most presidents went to hades. The devil explained that due to overcrowing he would have to take the place of another resident. The devil first took him to see President Reagun who dove into a swimming pool and drug himself out, dove again into the swimming pool and drug himself out, over and over. Bush thought that seemed pretty miserable and turned down that choice.

Then the devil took him to see President Carter. Carter was roasting under a hot sun trying to dig a garden in in rock hard soil while a swarm of mosquitoes was harrassing him. Bush decided to pass on that option.

Next the devil took him to see President Clinton who was laying on the ground, naked with his arms and legs shackled in a spread eagle position while Monika Lewinski was bent over him doing what Monica does best. Clinton didn't look very happy, but Bush thought this wouldn't be too bad so he told the devil he'd choose this one. The devil said fine, then said, "OK Monica, you can go now."

[Happy]

During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place.

"I was just stupid" she teased.

When he said he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

[Dave]

Oooh I'm really wicked at times! :p :D

Meanwhile ....

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would move to Italy and secretly have the child. If she would raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me, and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Maiden]

No offence meant

[Happy]

I'm going to have to start a new thread titled 'Clean Humor' only. One that doesn't contain any offensive or inappropriate jokes (including ethnic, off-color, dirty, or potty humor jokes).

take note there are no smilies used in this post

[goog]

[QUOTE=Happy]I'm going to have to start a new thread titled 'Clean Humor' only. One that doesn't contain any offensive or inappropriate jokes (including ethnic, off-color, dirty, or potty humor jokes).

take note there are no smilies used in this post[/QUOTE]

hehe, sorry :D

[Dave]

Awww that wont be any fun! :)

[Happy]

[QUOTE=Dave]Awww that wont be any fun! :)[/QUOTE]

I do find clean humour very amusing and a nice retreat. I appreciate a joke that one can share the fun with the whole family and still laugh. I'm not talking about closing this thread - just to have a thread that anyone can go into and laugh without what some might call the more mature humour.

[Dave]

It was the meatballs wasn't it? Too spicey for you? :kisses:

[Happy]

[QUOTE=Dave]It was the meatballs wasn't it? Too spicey for you? :kisses:[/QUOTE]

No it wasn't the meatballs (and thank you for trying to make me smile) and it wasn't any particular or most recent post in general. I should have made that clear.

It just seems that the humor in this thread is taking a more mature route and I feel that maybe the jokes types (clean vs mature-yet within site guidelines) should have their own threads so there are no surprises when someone opens the thread.

[Dave]

Maud & Mable

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
perhaps he was shocked at their smoking habits? :.

[Silky]

Let's keep it clean in here, folks. Not only can you find dirty jokes anywhere on the web, so they aren't really hard to find ELSEWHERE, but we want our forums to be work safe...and dirty or off color jokes don't go along with that. I'm also not a big fan of "let's make fun of the Polish/Jewish/Mexican, etc." type of jokes. Sorry for being such a prude here.

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=Happy]No it wasn't the meatballs (and thank you for trying to make me smile) and it wasn't any particular or most recent post in general. I should have made that clear.

It just seems that the humor in this thread is taking a more mature route and I feel that maybe the jokes types (clean vs mature-yet within site guidelines) should have their own threads so there are no surprises when someone opens the thread.[/QUOTE]

Sorry if my joke offended anyone. I just wanted to give a smile.

The difference between men and savings bonds? Savings bonds mature.

Did you hear about the two antennas on the roof that met, fell in love, and got married? The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?
A: Because B-shells would be too small.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

[Maiden]

Bwhahahaha.......the reception was excellent ;)

[Dave]

Hey kids a clean joke!

/me looks amazed

:D

[Dave]

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard answers, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".

"Great", the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

[Dave]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
__________________________________________________ ________

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

:shower:

[D Rock]

hahahhahhahahhahaha

[snowflakejen]

LMAO!!!:lmao:

[Silky]

I just had to share this...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Scott]

[QUOTE=Dave]How To Shower Like a Woman


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

:shower:[/QUOTE]

Hmmm.. what if your wife does the wooo-hoo thing too when she walks by? Guess I'm just lucky :D

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Jolt]Hmmm.. what if your wife does the wooo-hoo thing too when she walks by? Guess I'm just lucky :D[/QUOTE]That's okay I guess as long as she hasn't got a wi**y to wave at you! :eek:

[Maiden]

[QUOTE=Silky]I just had to share this...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.[/QUOTE]

Nice one Sil :)

Too true...not many are brave enuff nowdays, they take the "easy" way out ;)

And I reckon I must be a male re the showers...cause stuff all that messing round...strip get wet get out get done & be-gone *wink*

[Lexus]

What is the Definition of a waste of time?

Telling a hair raising story to a bald man

[Jaygre]

Uh-oh...

[down2earth2]

[QUOTE=Lexus]What is the Definition of a waste of time?

Telling a hair raising story to a bald man[/QUOTE]
Not true. You should see my back.

[Maiden]

Rofl@u D2e2 :d

[Nizz]

[QUOTE=GraphicallyPut]Oh I am soooo gonna be this!!!:D
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
[/QUOTE]

LOL :P Excellent poem!

[Happy]

How do female ghosts dance?

They shake their BOOty

:dancer: :dancer:

[Nizz]

Grandma invites her two grandchildren for the weekend. While going to bed, she passes by her grandson's room and sees that he's sleeping naked. The grandmother politely asks him why he does this and he replies saying that "It's the new trend! Everyone do it!". She then continues towards her room when she peeks to her grand-daughter's room and sees her sleeping in the nude as well! She asks her why she does this and the grand-daughter replies "Everyone do this! It's the pyjamas of the 21st century!".
The Grandmother, who wants to be 'in', goes to bed and undresses herself. A few minutes later the grandfather comes in and sees his wife naked on their bed and he asks her "What in the world are you doing?!", and gets the reply "It's my pyjamas! Everyone does this!". The grandfather looks at her and says "But why in the world didn't you iron it first??"


I know it's long, but it does have a funny ending :P

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Nizz]
I know it's long, but it does have a funny ending :P[/QUOTE]

That's what grandma said to grandpa when he got undressed! :lol:

[burndog]

great comeback Dave

[Nizz]

ROFL Dave :P

[Dave]

Ooh Dave you can't say anything about all men (drivers) needing p..... a cat! :lol

[Maiden]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a Sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely chocolate Labrador retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it,whined and pawed the air.The receptionist called the office manager.

He was surprised,to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer." The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the darned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
he dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/230/yoyo1hm.gif

[Dave]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[Happy]

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood too." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

[Dave]

Okay, I'm game Happy ...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.

Why was the vampire so grumpy when he first woke up?
He woke too early in the mourning.

What's fast food to a vampire?
Someone with HIGH blood pressure.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

What do you get if you meet a vampire on the coldest night of the year?
Frost-bite.

How do vampires begin letters?
Tomb it may concern.

Why do vampires never get divorced?
They prefer to bury their problems.

http://maxpages.com/images/animations/bars/bloodbar.gif

[Happy]

Two travelors were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst. All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls in the distance. They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water.

"No," replied the vendor within, "We only have custard."

The men went into the next tent and asked the same question.

"I'm sorry," said the second vendor, "We only sell jelly."

Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once again asking if there is any water to spare.

"A thousand apologies," said the vendor, "We only have sponge cakes."

The men left, disappointed and a little confused.

"That was weird," said one man.

"Yes," replied the other, "It was a trifle bazaar."

:cake:

[Dave]

That's just so silly! Hahahahahahahahaha

[down2earth2]

I liked that one. Gave me a real chuckle. And chuckles are priceless. Just go try to buy one.

[Dave]

http://www.oldtimecandy.com/images/candypix-pages/chuckles_small.jpg
"Chuckles candy... a 2 ounce package with cherry, lemon, licorice, orange and lime jelly pieces. I can't help but smile when I eat these things! A box of 24 packages is $17.99"

I'd cry at that price! :lol:

[Silky]

Chuckles Candy can be found at a really great online candy store I found called Old Time Candy. You can buy candy that was popular clear back in the 50's and 60's...at really great prices!

Have a look...:D

Chuckles Here (http://oldtimecandy.com/chuckles.htm)

[Dave]

^^^^ Same site :)

[Silky]

[QUOTE=Dave]^^^^ Same site :)[/QUOTE]

Yeah...but I linked. :p

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Silky]Yeah...but I linked. :p[/QUOTE]You hoping?

[Silky]

[QUOTE=Dave]You hoping?[/QUOTE]

Hoping? For what? Huh? :)

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Silky]Hoping? For what? Huh? :)[/QUOTE]free sweeties for advertising :) Blackcurrant wasn't it?

[Silky]

[QUOTE=Dave]free sweeties for advertising :) Blackcurrant wasn't it?[/QUOTE]

Uh uh...no sweets for me. I'm on a sweet free diet now. :)

[Dave]

[QUOTE=Silky]Uh uh...no sweets for me. I'm on a sweet free diet now. :)[/QUOTE]
No ..... that's me on the no-Sweetie diet! :( It's the diabetes you know

[Happy]

"Mommy, Mommy!" said a little boy after coming from playing. "I just saw a man making a horse!"

"Are you sure?" asked his mother.

"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."

:horse:

[Dave]

Phew! That could have had a VERY naughty ending! :blush: :lol:

[Jaygre]

A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."

(Not a good joke teller, here :) )

[Dave]

A real groaner there! :lmao:

[Jaygre]

Aw, pfsssst, psaw :blush:

[Maiden]

Hahaha both Happy & Jaygre short to the point and giggles here. :D

[burndog]

I'm not great at telling jokes, or rembembering them, but I have always thought that this one was cute...anyway a man walks into a bar with his dog. He asks for a drink for himself and his dog. The bartender says "sorry no dogs allowed at the bar"

The man replies but this dog is different, he is a talking dog. The bartender is curious, so he asks the gent to prove it saying that if it is true then their drinks will be on the house, if not they will both have to leave.

The man accepts the offer and turns to his dog and says " Ginger, what is on the top of a house?" The dog replies "Roof! Roof!" The barkeep does not look impressed. The man then continues to ask his dog, "Ginger, what do the tiles on a roof feel like?" The dog replies "Rough! Rough!"

Now the bartender is getting a bit steamed, feeling he is being made to look a fool for ever thinking there could really be a talking dog. "Alright Bozo, you and your dog out now!"

The man realized that the offer of free drinks was quickly dissapearing and instantly replied, "please sir, one more chance, I know this time Ginger will impress you". He quickly turned to the dog and asked "who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog barked out loudly and with glee "Ruth! Ruth!"

Moments later both the gentleman and the dog found themselves picking themselves up off of the street. The man turned to his dog and yelled "You idiot!" The dog looking confused replied " What's the matter, should I have said DiMaggio?"

[Maiden]

Bwahahahahaha OMGoodness BD that's classic! hahaha :D

*off she goes to start the day seriously giggling*

[shah_nishit85]

hahahahahahahahaha

[Maiden]

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation...

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?


Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?


Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.


LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!


Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!


Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!


Picard: But surely we must not be late!


Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.


Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!


Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?


Riker: Not me.


Worf: Not me.


Picard: Computer, how long til we die?


Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.


Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...


Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!


Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.


Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --


Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...


Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.


Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.


Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!


Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?


Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.


Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?


Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!


Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.


Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*


Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.


Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?


Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.


Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!


Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!


Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?


Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.


Picard: Then make it so!

[Dave]

That's brilliant, right down to the damn commercial break :mindmeld:

[Nizz]

"Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye."

"Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental."

:lmao: LMAO :lmao:

[Happy]

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this drink's on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I'd like to buy you a drink for your birthday too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I'd like to buy you one too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," says the bartender.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, by the time you're my age you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different story."

:cheers:

[123456789]

While walking leisurely through the main floor of a casino in Las Vegas, a traveler happened upon a table of people playing poker. He looked around at the people at the table until he got to the one on the far side. Only it wasn't a person, it was a dog. He was quite taken aback to see a dog seated at a card table and thought it some rich persons fancy until he noticed the dog betting and playing cards. Bewildered, the man approached one of the players at the table and inquired about the dog. "Excuse me," he chimed, "but is that dog actually playing with you guys?" "He sure is!" came the reply. "He's raising, folding and bluffing just like the rest of us." The traveler thought that this must surely be the smartest dog in the world, and said so. To this the player retorted with, "He's not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
:comedy:

[Happy]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

[Maiden]

Hee hee :D:D:D

[Maiden]

The Top 25 Movies About Thanksgiving


The Right Stuffing

Throw Momma From the Kitchen

Saving Private Ryan Some Pie

Big Gobble on Brittle China

When Harry Met Salmonella

Poultry Goosed

M*A*S*H*E*D

The Hand That Drops the Ladle

The Sixth Helping

The Baste of Toms

The Silence of the Yams

Chicken? Little.

Waiting to Unbutton My Pants and Exhale

Who's Eating Giblet Gravy?

The Inedibles

Eternal Waistline of the Spotless Plate

Avian vs. Predator

Gibli

How Stella Got Her Gravy Boat

I Spit on Your Gravy

Beltloose

Indigestion Day

Thaw II

50 First Plates

and the Number 1 Movie About Thanksgiving...


Having Potroast 'Cause the Gobbler's on Fire

[123456789]

"The Silence of the Yams"
Bwaaahahahaha...

[Maiden]

If Dr.Seuss had written for ER

Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great,
But...there are problems that can't wait!
Now Benton's fine, and Carter too,
But Ross and Susan just won't do!
Now who do you think that we should hire,
Since both of them today I'll fire?


Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...


Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...


Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt...
But the paramedics just pulled up.


Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?


Shep: This little boy has just been shot!
His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.
We did all we could to stop the leak.


Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...


Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?


Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair,
So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.


Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three!
Doug and Susan! Come with me!


Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see?
We've got some more; one, two, and three.


Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be?
Explain it, tell it all to me!


Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast.
A light turned red. Shep hit the gas.
We hit a car, it hit two more.
Soon the total rose by four.
Another bang! Another crash!
But we couldn't stay, we had to dash!
We grabbed these three but I am sure,
The injured totaled sixty score!


Carter: These people really are a mess!
Their injuries I cannot guess!
It makes me sick, my knees are weak,
A toilet I must soon go seek...


Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes!
It doesn't get worse than this you know!
To Trauma four let's take these three.
You can do it, come with me!


Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table.
To save his life if we are able!


Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic!
I can't find a pulse...oh, wait I've got it!
But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!


Doug: Give him saline! IV push!
CBC, chem 7, stat!
We will save him, bet on that!
Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion!
Lydia, start a blood tranfusion!


Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say.
The blood bank didn't come today!
We're out of blood, I can't believe!


Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)


Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash!
Someone's heart stopped with a flash!
But Dr. Benton saved the day,
And Carter's going to be ok.


Susan: What can I do, where can I go?
I'm not incompetent you know!
I deserve a chance and with good reason,
I only killed one guy last season!


Chloe: Hey, Suze? Look! It's me...
I doing great...oh, can't you see?
I'm back on drugs and feeling woozy,
Can you take care of little Susie?


Susan: Not now Chloe! I'm in a panic!


Kerry: Get Susan out, she can't handle it!


Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok.
We're sending him up on his way.
To surgery he's off to go,
They must sew up that bullet hole.
But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts...
We had to take a dozen quarts.


Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all.
I used a double breasted suture saw.
I closed them up, I fixed their ills.
I patched their wounds, I gave them pills.
I have their livers in this sack.
I did it all, behind my back.
I need more patients, give me more!
I just cured three, now give me four!


Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all?
I saw some blood. I took a fall.
But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!


Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!

Author: Brent Fogel

[Maiden]

http://img470.imageshack.us/img470/1715/flies5re.jpg

[Dave]

I am sooooooo tempted to try that! :lol:

[macwithfries]

lol :) :)

[QUOTE=Maiden]The Top 25 Movies About Thanksgiving

The Hand That Drops the Ladle

[/QUOTE]

hahahaha :p

[burndog]

^^^good one maiden, but I think you would need just a few more flies, but I would imagine it has been tried.

[swillox]

ooops... I tought I had to light that match. :D

[Maiden]

[QUOTE=swillox]ooops... I tought I had to light that match. :D[/QUOTE]

Hee Hee :flame:

[Maiden]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to
see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 (or 40) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it .

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
your breakfast.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a
#9 on this list. :D

[123456789]

heheh
also: When the cell phone replaces the doorbell.

[Maiden]

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/6524/cannotfinddamnserver3my.jpg

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/7725/explorerneedfreshairerror3nk.jpg

[Dave]

Hee hee

Electric shock therapy might work on me. :eek:

[Maiden]

The E-Bay Song

A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay

My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay

Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay

I'll buy ... your knick-knack
Just check ... my feedback
"A++!" they all say
They love me on eBay

Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay

I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please
As long as I've got the dough

I'll buy ... your tchotchkes
Sell me ... your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...)
I'm highest bidder now

(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazzard ashtray)
(Hey! A Dukes Of Hazzard ashtray)
Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)

Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks)
Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)

Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcett poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)

What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Listen to it here :) (http://www.geoffellis.com/ebay.html)

[Nizz]

Maiden, that's too funny! I think it could've been a greater hit than the original!

[Jaygre]

Laughed till the tears rolled. Thanks, Maiden.

[Maiden]

The Byte Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a user was using ... not even a mouse;
The programs were hung from the bugs in their code,
In hopes that a guru would soon cure their woes;
The data were nestled all snug in their beds,
While versions of software danced in their heads;
The boss dimmed the lights as I locked up my desk,
A couple days off and a well-deserved rest;

Then all of a sudden there came such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.

Away to the processor I flew like a flash,
What a terrible sound .. like a massive headcrash;
The lights they were blinking and beaming aglow,
The hardcopy printout said "Let service know!";

When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
On a silicon wafer ... a field engineer;
A little device driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Chip!

More rapid than Macro, his cursor insane,
He whistled and shouted like a video game.

Now, Pascal! Now, Basic!, Now, Fortran and Cobol!
On RPG! On PL/1, On Dibol and Snobol!
To the top of the registers, the bottom of core!
Run diagnostics and see what they store!

As memory leaves when electricity flies,
The 'Rep' cracked a smile and loosened his tie;
He was chubby and plump, said the place was a wreck,
And I laughed when I saw him (in spite of high tech).

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He was dressed from his head to his feet in a suit,
His briefcase was heavy with tools to re-boot.

With bundles of bits bulging out of his slacks,
He looked like a pro 'bout to fix a blown pack.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reseated PC boards, then turned with a smirk;

Hit return with his finger and said "Here it goes,"
And giving a nod, into the CRT he dove.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere leaving the site,
"Restore the data, and all will be right!"

[ldg40]

[QUOTE=Maiden][b]"Restore the data, and all will be right!"[/QUOTE]

Oh please, please, please restore my data Santa! Very clever, TY Maiden for sharing!

[Maiden]

[QUOTE=GraphicallyPut]Did you write that Maiden??? It's awesome!:)[/QUOTE]

No GP, I may write poetry but not that one and yeh is pretty awesome eh :p

[Happy]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told them about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's a compulsive liar"

:dd:

Q: Why are frogs always happy?

A: Because they can always eat what bugs them!

:food:

[Dave]

There were 2 parrots sitting on a perch ....

I'll leave you to finish that one off.

:D