View Full Version : Laughter
Maiden
12/26/2005, 03:22 PM
Thanx for the early morning giggles you 2 grrlz :D:D:D:D
"The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." PMSL
Happy
12/28/2005, 10:08 PM
What is the most knowledgeable part of your body?
-Your nasal area, because it nose!
Why did the idiot throw out the vacuum cleaner?
-Because it sucked
What do you call a frozen pepper?
-A chilly chili!
:lmao:
Happy
01/04/2006, 02:20 PM
The salesman had been selling water beds for almost four years, He thought he had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked him, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, the salesman replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"
After a short pause, the customer said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"
:doh:
[QUOTE=Happy]The salesman had been selling water beds for almost four years, He thought he had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked him, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, the salesman replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"
After a short pause, the customer said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"
:doh:[/QUOTE]
That actually sounds like a true story... There are plenty of idiots in the world, I'm sure at least one of them got a visit from a water bed salesman...
Maiden
01/04/2006, 05:16 PM
[QUOTE=GraphicallyPut]
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
[/QUOTE]PMSLAO watta crack up hahah gotta tell the boys that one :D L0L
burndog
01/08/2006, 12:10 PM
ditto to what maiden said...what a wise guy...just too funny
Happy
01/11/2006, 09:05 AM
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.
The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
:sick:
Happy
01/11/2006, 01:09 PM
This man in a Volkswagon Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagon says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagon takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagon.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagon are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagon.
The man in the Volkswagon finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagon says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
:shower:
ROFL Happy! The last one's a good one! :P :shower:
Lost me there for a minute, gotta lurve that Benjamin Franklin (re)quote! :)
PA it's weight in gold .....
Maiden
01/12/2006, 03:31 PM
[QUOTE=Happy]
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
:shower:[/QUOTE]
PMSL thanx Happy :)
Happy
01/23/2006, 02:55 PM
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.
:cowboy:
Happy
01/24/2006, 10:58 AM
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
:toast:
Maiden
01/25/2006, 04:21 AM
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.
:giggle:
Happy
01/26/2006, 10:44 AM
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
:what:
edward
01/27/2006, 07:32 PM
A prince was cursed by a witch that he could speak only 1 word/year, but if he doesn't he could save the words for the next year. One day he saw a pretty princess & fell in love, he waited for 10 years to say
"Darling I love you, I would like to marry you."
The princess replied........
"PARDON?"
**************************************************************
Woman sits in front of the mirror naked, says to her husband,
"I look fat and ugly, give me a compliment."
Husband replies,
"Your eyesight is perfect."
*************************************************************
dumb1: 2 + 2
dumb2: 5 of course!
dumb1: Hahahahahahaha!!!
dumb2: Why are you laughing?
.......
dumb1: I thought you didn't know
:D
Happy
01/27/2006, 07:41 PM
:haha: :comedy: thanks for the giggles
Maiden
01/27/2006, 07:44 PM
Hee hee Edward..."PARDON ME" had me in stitches :p
flondo
01/27/2006, 09:16 PM
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver ?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
________________________________________________________
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Maiden
01/28/2006, 03:29 AM
That's wicked Flondo, one I am sure to pass on :D
Actually Flondo, I only failed question 3 :) Nice one though ;)
burndog
02/07/2006, 07:44 AM
excellent GP!!!
GP, it's sooooooo true!
As my dear old dad used to say "The wonderful thing about grandchildren is they go home at the end of the day" with a deep satisfied sigh ....
Siouxie
02/07/2006, 01:40 PM
when i hear this it always reminds me on the words that my mother always said to me:
I hope you will have children someday, and if they are only 50 % of the way you were as a child than you will know how hard it is to be a good mother :)
and as live goes on, and my children are growing up i´m really getting terrified of the thought, i hope that they woun´t be more than 20% of me :D
flondo
02/08/2006, 12:34 PM
A bloke is in a queue at a supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He’s rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and, although familiar, he can’t for the life of him place where he might know her from
So he says “Sorry, do you know me”
She replies “I may be mistaken but I think that you might be the father of one of my children”!
Panicking, his mind shoots back to the one time that he has ever been unfaithful to his wife: “Christ”! he says “are you that Strip-o-Gram at my stag night
That I shagged on top of the pool table in front of all of my mates while your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a rose up my arse”?
“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”.
Happy
02/08/2006, 12:44 PM
:waving:
That's a good one. :D
flondo
02/08/2006, 02:37 PM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting. Well for example,
the other day I went into town and went to a small
shop on High street. I was only in there for
about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on
buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a #*&%. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog &#$*. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a
&#$*. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little
fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.
Happy
02/09/2006, 12:09 PM
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard
him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise
be!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.
:notangel:
Happy
02/14/2006, 11:43 AM
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked the wife.
"Mmm hmm." replied the husband.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Honey," gushed the wife, "you say the most beautiful things!"
(L)
flondo
02/15/2006, 09:28 AM
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
__________________________________
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what a mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this on to as many men as you can, to give them a laugh. Pass this on to as many women as you can, to give them a bigger laugh
flondo
02/16/2006, 05:34 AM
Dreadful Puns -
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went all the way out to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did; thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?................. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh .. . . .
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
GROAN!!
flondo
02/20/2006, 12:24 PM
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription."
Ho ho .... in more ways than one! :)
Siouxie
02/21/2006, 04:25 AM
thats a really good one :D
love the prescription thingy :D
Happy
02/21/2006, 08:36 AM
Arriving home from work at his usual hour of 5 p.m., John discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing he said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so he suggested he go outside, pretend that he had just gotten home, and start all over again. His wife agreed.
He went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”
“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”
:grrr:
Now she's happy! (note NOT a capital H there)
Scott
02/23/2006, 07:05 PM
funny joke Flondo.. but PG please. That was more PG13
Happy
02/24/2006, 08:29 AM
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."
To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."
:camera:
123456789
02/24/2006, 02:15 PM
I once saw a tourist urge their child to go pet a bear (which they had just fed illegally) in Banff National Park for a photo. After educating (and berating) the tourist I couldn't help but think of all the similar close calls in the past. As I walked away shaking my head in disbelief,
I realized why natural selection was soooo important to the survival of any species. I also started to wonder why bears didn't end up driving to work instead of us. These damn big brains I suppose... lotsa' good they do.
Jaygre
03/06/2006, 01:47 PM
Things Mom Would Never Say
1 "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2 "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
3 "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
4 "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
5 "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
6 "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
7 "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
8 "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
9 "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
Happy
03/06/2006, 01:58 PM
oh my I must have been a terrible mom - said 6 out of the 9 :eek:
:giggle:
Happy
03/08/2006, 08:57 AM
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
:amy:
flondo
03/08/2006, 10:02 AM
And this is why we have temps?
"I'm sorry but her voicemail isn't working and I'm really too busy to write down your phone number."
(found while surfing)
Happy
03/09/2006, 08:20 AM
A skilled CPA, who is not great at self-promotion, jumped at the chance when an advertising company offered to put his business palcard on the shopping carts of a supermarket. Fully a year went by before he got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," he answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
flondo
03/12/2006, 01:08 PM
Employee Performance Evaluations
============================================
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
graphixgeek
03/12/2006, 03:52 PM
That made my day a bit more cheery!! That was hilarious! I'll have to remember those in case I have to do an eval on an underperforming employee...
flondo
03/15/2006, 11:15 AM
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's License in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8 . Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who Might need a good
laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate
sings.
Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood
Swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to Monitor my
moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a Bad mood,it
leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll Buy me diamonds.
Here have some chocolate.
Happy
03/15/2006, 12:03 PM
oh GP - that made me laugh out loud!
:chair:
/me passes some chocolate to Happy, just to be on the ultra-safe side
flondo
03/17/2006, 12:18 AM
The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started ~
~During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ...
Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Siouxie
03/17/2006, 01:39 AM
haha thats really a great one, looks like i need a room too, i would have chosen the bucket :)
Jaygre
03/17/2006, 09:25 AM
Me too, Siouxie. "They're coming to take us away, hoho" Do you want to share a room? By the window, or door :)
Siouxie
03/18/2006, 04:22 AM
whatever you choose, only if i can have one of this long armed white jackets :D
flondo
03/18/2006, 04:26 PM
[QUOTE=Siouxie]whatever you choose, only if i can have one of this long armed white jackets :D[/QUOTE]
Armani or Prada?
:D :D
Siouxie
03/20/2006, 01:33 AM
*G* it could be black too and stylish as you can see here :D
http://www.martinpudenz.de/assets/images/Zwangsjacke.450.JPG
Jaygre
03/20/2006, 02:06 AM
Oh, dibs, I get dibs on that one! :) and another one for more formal occasions.
Happy
03/21/2006, 08:30 AM
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
:wine:
flondo
03/26/2006, 07:10 PM
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees blonde cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent
exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why
in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ..
I was in the bar down the road and this pretty
little red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her. So I did. We go inside and she
pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt ...so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull
off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
sexy and says,"Now go to town cowboy... ".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.
flondo
03/26/2006, 11:35 PM
BEST BLONDE JOKE
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at WalMart?"
Happy
03/29/2006, 12:21 PM
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling,” This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
:what:
It's a toy cat isn't it? :p
Happy
03/31/2006, 12:08 PM
A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his dinner too.
The hired man didn’t say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat.
After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”
Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat.
Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair & began to take off his shoes.
“What are you doing?” the farmer asked.
The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”
:eat:
Happy
04/04/2006, 11:40 AM
Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, his 'nosey' next-door neighbor asked, "Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away 'EVERY' night?"
:giggle:
[f="Old Joke"]
[color=navy]They were together in the House.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
http://www.djherb.btinternet.co.uk/lightning.gif
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.
http://www.djherb.btinternet.co.uk/lightning.gif
She wanted that...more than anything.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.
http://www.djherb.btinternet.co.uk/lightning.gif
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...as did their growing passion And
there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong...
http://www.djherb.btinternet.co.uk/lightning.gif
Their families would never understand... So consumed were
they in their passion that they heard no opening
of doors...just the faint click of a camera......
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>
>>
>[/color][/f]
http://www.djherb.btinternet.co.uk/catndog.jpg
I think he needed a tripod too! :)
1cowabunga
04/04/2006, 06:26 PM
LMAO! that's a good one dave! :D and GP, that one about the Dog and Cat's diary was hilarious - I had to print it out. lol.
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in
the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This
bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said,
"That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was
with the same cow every time."
(The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable. He
should be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to make a
full recovery.)
Beedybee
04/08/2006, 09:50 PM
She was in labor with twins, on the way to the hospital when the car skidded off the road. Her husband died instantly. She was left in a coma.
The emergency room staff saved the babies. She lingered in a comatose state for a year.
When she came to, she asked about her husband and babies. The nurse told her she's a widow, but the babies, a boy and a girl, are doing fine and have been living with the woman's brother.
"Oh no! You didn't give my children to my brother?! He's an idiot, an air head, a dolt."
The nurse got the woman to calm down and said the kids are healthy and beautiful.
"What did my brother name them?"
"He named your daughter Denise."
"That's lovely! What did he name my son?"
"DaNephew."
Jaygre
04/08/2006, 10:26 PM
Da-nice :)
Happy
04/24/2006, 08:57 PM
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
:eat:
Jaygre
04/25/2006, 09:35 AM
Heh :)
burndog
04/26/2006, 10:24 PM
"In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal"
that is so funny GP, as well many of the others are just as hilarious.
Chris49
05/13/2006, 10:44 AM
http://img353.imageshack.us/img353/5884/duck2dv.jpg
Bwaaaaaa Hahahahahahahahahaha oh how cruel! Hahahahahahahahaha
flondo
05/13/2006, 09:04 PM
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the caretaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
----------------------
A reporter was interviewing a 104-year old woman.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------
I've sure gotten old! I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostrate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia; have poor circulation;
can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. have lost all my friends, but thank GOD
I still have my Driver's License!
-----------------------------------
I felt like my body was totally out of shape so I got my Doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an
hour, but by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
-------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I will be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week!"
-----------------------------------------------
My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as
sharp as it used to be.
---------------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till all the wrinkles fill out.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.
----------------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
---------------------------------------------------
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
------------------------------------------
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
------------------------------------------------
Remember, you don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old
because you stop laughing.
--------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the one's that I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6; maybe 10. Oh heck!
Send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
flondo
05/14/2006, 12:43 AM
[QUOTE=GraphicallyPut]:rofl: That is............hmmmm....so true!!!!! :lol:[/QUOTE]
my fav -
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
ismith
06/01/2006, 08:34 AM
[QUOTE=Happy]"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said .. "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."[/QUOTE]
Hmm, that reminds me....
There once was a fabulous race of gnome like creatures called Trids. They lived in a valley at the base of a high mountain. At the top of the mountain was a troll.
Being the friendly sort, the Trids decided they would make friends with the troll so they sent an expedition to the top of the mountain. But, horror of horrors, as soon as the troll saw the poor little Trids, he roared with anger and kicked them all back down the mountain.
The Trids called a council. "Maybe," said the chief, "the troll is religious. We should turn the other cheek and send up our priest."
So that is what they did. The result was the same. The priest and his party were all kicked back down the mountain. "Maybe he's not Catholic," said one bright Trid. So they sent their Minister and he too was kicked down the mountain.
By this time they were running out of ideas. They were sure that if they sent the right person, the troll would realize that it was better to be friends. Then one day a Rabbi visited the village. They told him their problem and he readily agreed to accompany the Trids to the top of the moutain to try and make friends with the troll.
When they got there, the troll's reaction wasn't any different. He ran at the Trids roaring angrily and started kicking them all down the mountain. The poor Rabbi, fearing for his very life, crouched down and tried to make himself very small, perhaps hoping that the troll wouldn't notice him.
After a few moments, the Rabbi realized that the troll was standing over him. Gathering his courage, he looked up at the troll wondering what was going to happen next and cringing at the blow that he was sure would be forthcoming.
The troll smiled at him, shook his head, and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Happy
07/11/2006, 10:00 AM
A young schoolgirl was having a hard time pronouncing the letter “R” and all the other kids were, of course, teasing her about it.
To help her out, the teacher gave her a sentence to practice at home: “Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” In class a few days later, the teacher asked the girl to recite the sentence out loud.
The girl nervously eyed her classmates - many of them already laughing at her - then replied, “Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn’t cooked enough.”
:p :2poke:
This one hit home and I found it to be funny. In my early years I had speech lessons due to difficulties with 'r' and 'w'. Which wasn't too fun since my name begins with a 'w'. I wish I had thought of switching the words around then on some of the tongue twisters I was given to practice.
^^^^I'll just call you Randy from now on then :D
GP you're outdoing yourself gal :)
clickmaniac
07/20/2006, 10:58 PM
A duck walks into a pharmacy goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist if he has any duck food.
The pharmacist, a bit perplexed, says no and explains that this was a pharmacy and that they do not sell animal foods. The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the pharmacy once more, goes to the counter and asks the same pharmacist if he has any duck food.
Again the pharmacist tells the duck that this was a pharmacy and that no they did not sell duck food or any other animal food. The duck leaves.
The very next day the duck walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the counter with same pharmacist and asked if he has any duck food.
Now the pharmacist is pissed, he tells the duck that no they do not sell duck food and that if the duck comes back here one more time to waste his time that he would nail his web feet to the floor. The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, asked the pharmacist if he has any nails..the pharmacist, stunned, replies no... so the duck asks "got any duck food"
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Happy
07/24/2006, 10:52 AM
My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken.
He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
They not only awarded him the No Bell Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
Drum roll for that punch line please!
Ba boom da boom tushhhh
Got tears rolling down my face for that one Happy :rofl:
burndog
07/25/2006, 07:11 PM
I just roared at the duck joke clickmaniac...very good, and Happy, your's was quite smart as well...too funny
down2earth2
07/27/2006, 12:31 AM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
Happy
08/15/2006, 09:44 AM
One October a couple spent a vacation on Washington’s Olympic Peninsula. They were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but they heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions they might run into, they drove on. Sure enough, they had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when they saw a sign: “Ice 10 miles.” Five miles farther on there was another: “Ice 5 miles.” The next one was: “Ice ½ mile.” They practically crept that half-mile.
They came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read: “Ice 75 cents.”
:cool2:
flondo
08/15/2006, 03:58 PM
The Italian Tomato Garden
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm
just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love ............ Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but what ever you do, don't dig up that garden!!!
That's where I buried the BODIES. Love .........Vinnie
At 4 a.m.the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love ...........Vinnie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
HighLighter
08/16/2006, 01:35 AM
Okay... I made it to page 14, enduring some pretty bad and laughing at some pretty good jokes... but I can't wade through the remaining pages to see if the following made print... so here goes and I hope I'm not repeating anyone:
Two blonds walk into a building: you'd think one of them would've seen it!
A blond walks up to a river bank and sees a blond on the opposite side, she yells over... 'How do I get to the other side?' The other answers: 'You're on the other side!'
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, 'We don't serve string in here.' So the string goes outside, tucks this way and that and ruffles his head and goes back into the bar, orders a drink. Bartender asks, 'Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?' String says, 'No, I'm a frayed knot.'
(will pick up reading page 15 tomorrow!)
Happy
08/16/2006, 11:01 AM
A man is playing piano one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly the elephant starts to cry.
"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognise the song?"
"No, no," says the elephant, "but I do recognise the white keys."
:ele:
Was it The Elephant Cakewalk? :D
Brian Watters
08/16/2006, 04:10 PM
A Middle aged woman, whose husband worked a lot of late night, decides to shop for a pet to keep her company when she's alone.
Looking through the pet store, she can't believe how expensive the parrots are, then come on one that only cost $25.
She asked the shop keeper, "Why so cheap?"
The shopkeeper tells her that the parrot used to live in the lobby of a cheap hotel where ladies of the night would bring their "Johns", and had picked up a peculiar vocabulary.
As if on Cue, the parrot pipes up, "Another pretty lady, another room please".
Well, the woman didn't think that was so bad, and purchased the parrot and a cage, then brought it home.
That evening, she had a few relatives drop by for a visit, and each walked into the room, the Parrot piped up< 'Another Pretty Lady, another Room Please".
All were amused at the vocabulary, until the womans husband arrived home, and the Parrot said, "Hi Dave".
:)
Happy
08/16/2006, 05:14 PM
It must have been an English parrot. :.
Brian Watters
08/16/2006, 06:27 PM
Je nais C'est pas Admin Prissy Pants.
Happy
08/28/2006, 02:25 PM
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?”
After a moment, her 5-year-old son replied quizzically, “Er... Once?”
:spot:
Brian Watters
08/28/2006, 03:22 PM
Was it an English Hampster?
Happy
08/28/2006, 03:30 PM
[QUOTE=sysop912]Was it an English Hampster?[/QUOTE]
Giggle...only if its name was Dave.
I adore what you did with my av. I hope you don't mind if I use it awhile. :D
Brian Watters
08/28/2006, 04:03 PM
Well. I made a mistake, I've replaced the bad one with a cleaner model if you like. :)
Damn it! This hamster can't be fed or watered until after his blood test tomorrow morning .... and I bet there's a queue at Pathology! :food:
Brian Watters
08/28/2006, 04:56 PM
I been thinking... maybe my first alteration of your Avatar was incomplete. Here's another attempt with Image Ready
Happy
08/28/2006, 05:06 PM
[QUOTE=sysop912]I been thinking... maybe my first alteration of your Avatar was incomplete. Here's another attempt with Image Ready[/QUOTE]
Thanx. I have a nice little collection now. :2happy:
Brian Watters
08/28/2006, 05:21 PM
Sorry... last one, I saw some extra ghosting on the right, so took it out and added a light reflection to the balloon.
Brian Watters
08/28/2006, 11:21 PM
And you thought Dave's Hampster was all SCREWed up...
I gotta have me one of those!
Thank you very much :)
Brian Watters
08/29/2006, 12:41 PM
Eek! Hmmm... Who's next on my hit list? Hmmm....
Brian Watters
08/29/2006, 10:04 PM
Okay, I cleaned it up a little. :)
Very nice animations sysop!
(btw, I think you should ask an admin to split this to another topic)
Edit: I just created my own animated avatar :D (I hate working with GIFs... It ruins the quality of the image... Or is it only because I used flash?)
Brian Watters
08/31/2006, 10:31 AM
Split? ...
I don't know about Flash, made a shoot em up game in it once, but never really kept up ion it. I just use photoshop and image ready, though I beleive I could use Premiere 2.0 Pro to make gif. Thought I saw the option in there, I know it does FLV files.
Happy
09/08/2006, 01:49 PM
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ‘round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
:jumping: :bounce: :jumping: :bounce: :jumping: :bounce: :jumping: :bounce: :jumping:
flondo
09/09/2006, 12:06 AM
may I say - GROAN - (in a good way)
X 10
See I go away for a few days and this sort of thing happens ... :)
Brian Watters
09/11/2006, 06:50 AM
Speaking of going away...
... the movers are coming to pack my furniture and effects on Thursday, Loading the Truck Friday... leaning Day on Saturday, and we;re driving 1,500km to Oromocto, New Brunswick on Sunday. :)
Fast-ball move, courtesy of the Canadian Forces.
Found out a week ago, and we've been organizing piles for the movers all week.
Might be out of contact a little while longer, cause the page loads up slowly on the Blackberry I'm beta testing. But I hope to be back in the grove and re-connected with a new internet account sometime next week. :)
Cheers!
-Brian
tuggie
09/11/2006, 10:29 AM
So what about your course? It's a long way to commute every day!
Tuggie
Brian Watters
09/11/2006, 02:34 PM
My Goodness, Tuggie, I've spent the past two days on the tele between Toronto and Fredericton (Oromocto/Gagetown, close enough).
The course which originally was supposed to start 24 May, got changed to 05 Sept, (After I drove up there and spent 2 days clearing in), Took only one to clear out and I came back to London.
So here I was in an Air Force Uniform, sitting near my old office at Regimental Headquarters, The Royal Canadian Regiment, (My Infantry job since 1984), and they don't know what to do with me. I suggest "Special Projects", and since I won the top award, Photographer of the Year for the Canadian Forces photo contest in 2004, with 5 of my six entries taking 1st; 2nd; 3rd place and two Honorable mentions in the special effects category, (DA), then took another 1st place and two Honorable mentions in the professional division last year, if only seemed to make sense that those "Special Projects" consisted of me turning 128 military cap badge photos into vector line drawings, and background-less photo in Photoshop and Illustrator.
I picked up Premiere 2.0 Pro a couple months earlier, and after bringing in some Video DVD samples, producing a short movie as a fundraiser for my old regiments military museum quickly got added to the "Special Projects" list, (Why pay someone downtown $15,000 when they can have me do it for working hours for free?).
Well, since they didn't have the software, or a computer capable of rendering anything over the size of a 5kb gif file, I've spent the past three months sitting in my basement at home, working on all this stuff, when I get the call on 31 Aug, (My course had been postponed again until October before the call), asking where I wanted to go.
I suggested Florida, but my Air Force career manager, whom I've never met, said that Canada didn't own that yet, so my next choice was a swampy Little place on the East Coast, CFB Gagetown.
Two days later I got notice via email, that I was to pack my family up and have all my furniture and effects there in one week, for 05 Sept.
I called the person who drafted the message and suggested that that wasn't really good for me, so they allowed me until the 18th of Sept.
So, to make a long story just a bit longer, the movers were in today to assess my place for weight, and will arrive on Thursday to box everything, than haul it away on Friday.
I'll likely be hitting the road on Saturday, and taking the full 3 days to get there that the army allows.
Hopefully the truck will arrive shortly afterwords, cause they could have me in the Sheraton for up to 21 days, which wouldn't be a lot of fun for my little girl to start out her school year.
Then on the 24th of October, all the asbestos they found in the training building should be gone, as I drive back to Bordon, Ontario to begin my course on in the 25th.
Now, if nothing changes, I should get an X-Mas break, then complete the course by 28th October.
I can flip for an expensive laptop, so I'll be dragging my home made tower and two bulky monitors around the country, to keep me from going crazy at nights, and hopefully get some decent time on PA.
I was thinking, since I'm going to be doing this course, I might as well try to recreate what I have learned each day in a Sort of lesson format, which should serve as a good refresher once the course if over, and maybe make for a great training aide for others if I do it right.
Brian
Cardex
09/12/2006, 11:12 AM
Hey sysop912 welcome to the East Coast - we will be neighbours.
Here are a few funnies I just received.
These have to be original and genuine ... No adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's Me?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his Wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the Flea?"
Here is my favorite......
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget ... This particular Sunday Sermon ... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that
moment a very obedient Daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to her Mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
:G::G::G::G::G::G:
It's the stuff that becomes bum fluff when boys get a little bit older! :)
Nice ones Cardex ;)
I liked Brittany the best :P
burndog
09/14/2006, 07:40 PM
Butt dust...too funny
Happy
09/22/2006, 12:34 PM
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus?
A: He was unlike all the otters.
Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
:twirl:
down2earth2
09/22/2006, 09:18 PM
A young woman was trying to be excused from jury duty. The judge ask her, "Why should you be excused from duty?
She answered, "Because the medication I take has side effects I can't control."
"What medication are you taking?"
"I take birth control pills."
"Birth control pills? And what are the side effects?"
"I get headaches."
flondo
10/03/2006, 11:19 PM
A listing of some of President Bush's more famous quotes:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Be sure you type the right email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Happy
10/23/2006, 01:15 PM
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything—meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
The dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
:stooges:
Happy
10/27/2006, 02:12 PM
A buck is a dollar and dough is money.
Why are deer called a buck and a doe?
Does this mean we should call our loose change fawns?
:dunno:
Heh, I never noticed that Happy... I don't think I'd have ever noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out to me :P
Happy
10/31/2006, 08:23 AM
One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps fall on him from a great height and crush him to the ground.
"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"
Happy Halloween!
:dancer:
Well, guess I should join in the fun ....
Happy Halloween kids!
Happy
11/01/2006, 11:04 AM
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
:married: :shoot:
1cowabunga
11/02/2006, 10:58 AM
LOL! Buffet the Vampire Slayer! hahaha! :D I like your jokes Happy.
Happy
11/22/2006, 03:53 PM
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap!
:car:
burndog
11/22/2006, 07:58 PM
"....And the congregation said, "Amen" ", oh my goodness, I never saw that coming...very good.
Silky
11/28/2006, 02:57 PM
I thought this was pretty funny...
"Mr. & Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that the Mr. go with her to Walmart. He prefers to get in and get out, while Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. He gets bored with all the shopping.
Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee, told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department, told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry & asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked he clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
123456789
11/28/2006, 08:21 PM
Running out of toilet paper in the fitting room... I hate when that happens.
Now I bring my own.
down2earth2
11/29/2006, 01:58 AM
You missed two that me and my buds did when we were in high school (1966).
Take the elevator to the basement and put on the emergency stop (which conveniently didn't set off any alarm). Then go up the stairs to watch the growing crowd wait for the elevator. Great fun. It's even better to join in with the crowd and make "innocent" comments.
Go to the radio department. Tune a radio to a rowdy rock station and leave it on, but turn the volumn all the way down. Do this until you have every radio in the department tuned to the desired station. Wait till no employees are paying attention and quickly go through and crank up the volumn on all the radios. Then watch as the employee first tries to figure out where the sound is coming from (everywhere!), then turns off first one radio (which doesn't seem to make a bit of difference), and then another, and then more and more frantically turn off another and another.
We laughed a lot when I was in high school. I miss that. I guess you can never go back. I suppose I could still pull those kind of pranks, but they wouldn't seem a bit funny now.
Happy
12/04/2006, 10:24 AM
A man walked into a pub. The bartender asked if he would like to try the pub’s special challenge.
“If you can grab the t-bone steaks from that high ceiling over there I will give you a months supply of beer. However, if you fail you have to give me one-thousand pounds’.
The man thought about this.
He looked at the ceiling.
He looked at the T-bones
He looked at the beer taps
Finally he said, “ After thinking about it, I don’t think I should risk it”
“Why is that?” asked the bartender.
The man replied “The steaks are too high.”
:drunk:
Chris49
12/16/2006, 11:40 PM
A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
he guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
Ez2bFish
12/17/2006, 01:49 PM
How come Sharks don't eat clowns?
:surf:
....because they taste funny! (drum roll please :) )
Happy
12/18/2006, 12:19 PM
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
:wine:
Happy
01/02/2007, 09:19 AM
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.
The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.”
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
'My watch is 20 minutes slow."
:fishing:
[QUOTE=Happy]Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben
[/QUOTE]They'd be arrested at gunpoint if they tried that .... :) (Happy New Year boss!)
Happy
01/11/2007, 08:37 AM
Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the elderly widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son,
“Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?”
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.
“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.
“At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”
Tony replied, “Mrs. Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
:'shake':
Happy
01/12/2007, 01:28 PM
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box.
Inside were 250 signs that read:
DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
:doh:
But did he ignore the sign the said "OPEN OTHER END"? :D
I thought .... Are Birmingham City FC about to buy a 19th century American artist we all know and love so well?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/s/sheff_wed/6286541.stm
A few scantily clad gypsy types around the clubs ground might not go unnoticed :D
Silky
01/24/2007, 02:16 PM
Not sure if these have been posted, but here goes:
OFFICE DARES
Would you ever have the guts to do these?
ONE-POINT DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
TWO POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in
tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna
trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and
act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And a few more giggles...at least for me they were. :D
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock
Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to
you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
I do that kind of stuff all the time, it's a pity I'm a self employed one man business though :D
This is a good one:
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
:D:D:D:D:D:D
Ez2bFish
01/31/2007, 12:21 PM
[QUOTE=Silky]Not sure if these have been posted, but here goes:
OFFICE DARES
Would you ever have the guts to do these?
ONE-POINT DARES
TWO POINT DARES
FIVE POINT DARES
And a few more giggles...at least for me they were. :D
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
[/QUOTE]
:lol: This is great! I'm the kind of guy who would do half of these things, if not more....unfortunately I am very happy with my current job and it's not the type of place to perform these actions....unless I feel like becoming un-employed!!! ...Although my waste basket already has an "In" label on it! :D Good stuff, thx!
Okay guys .... while the girls aren't looking
Make sure the kiddies aren't peeking too!
This is the greatest calendar of 2007
These are the BEST hooters you're ever going to see.
I hope you are ready ....
:wow:
Happy
02/03/2007, 04:52 PM
The hooters of 2007 are wonderful. ;)
1cowabunga
02/03/2007, 10:18 PM
Ms. March's hooter is sagging a bit - don't you think?
[QUOTE=1cowabunga]Ms. March's hooter is sagging a bit - don't you think?[/QUOTE]I think she has a pair of mouse ears .... :D
down2earth2
02/04/2007, 04:20 AM
"Got any openings" a man asked the circus manager.
"I need a new assistant lion tamer," he replied.
Just then the head lion tamer ran into the lion cage, flashing him an eyeful of her spandex body-suit. The big cat slumped to the ground, licked her ancles, and rested his head at her feet.
"Can you do that?" the manager asked the man.
"Sure," he said "Just get that lion out of the way."
Silky
02/05/2007, 02:39 PM
This one made me giggle....:)
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE
HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF
BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR,
SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM
OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND
WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH
HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS HE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER
LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS
OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME
VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
And this one made me actually laugh outloud...:D
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman
thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .. or what we did ... but, by God .. We took first and second place.
And one last chuckle for the day....:D
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling &
Made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" & give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down & walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!
Happy
02/16/2007, 08:25 AM
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
:nuts:
Siouxie
02/21/2007, 01:47 PM
this is just sooooo great :)
and the funny thing is, there are really lots of people out there in the world
Ez2bFish
02/21/2007, 02:27 PM
GP - that was good for a nice laugh! You've got to love those silly :twirl: people...
Happy
03/12/2007, 12:38 PM
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. “Mr. Brewster,” the judge said, “you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150.”
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster’s lawyer stood up and said, “Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd...”
:2poke:
Ez2bFish
03/15/2007, 11:43 AM
More of a Pearl of Wisdom than a joke perhaps, but humorous none the less...
"Jobs are like doritos...they'll always make more." :) (in the context of adding more work to ones job description)
GraphicallyPut
03/28/2007, 06:16 PM
Kid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
Received from Pastor Tim.
Happy
03/28/2007, 06:18 PM
[QUOTE=GraphicallyPut]...Stay away from prunes...[/QUOTE]
and/or plums.
That is one of life's lessons I learned as a kid. :D
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.
The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
:blush:
wish someone had explained it to me in that much detail .....
Siouxie
03/29/2007, 07:14 AM
:D thats a good one :D
Happy
03/30/2007, 12:18 PM
A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” the man asked.
“Not very likely,” his wife said.
“It’s worth a try,” he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”
“No kidding?” the customer called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.
Oooh that reminds me of the one about the Jewish shoe repairer and the Catholic bishop .... :D
GraphicallyPut
03/30/2007, 07:33 PM
Geez Silky the blonde one had me :lmao: I loved it & will hafta show it to my Blonde Cousin coz we were just sayin the other day we may have only dyed our hair blonde but we sure as hell have a lotta blonde moments :D
This explains the recent good weather we've been enjoying .... (this is apparantly a real press cutting from Arkansas)
http://www.nctexasbirds.com/images/hot_news.jpg
Children's Science Exam Answers.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
GraphicallyPut
05/20/2007, 05:43 PM
:rofl: Definitely agree with the milk one :D
Yup. The milk one is very true! :D
Here's an image I stumbled upon:
http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/132/6964655rx8.jpg
burndog
05/20/2007, 06:32 PM
good one Nizz:)
ozplasmic
05/26/2007, 01:37 AM
I heard a story about an old sickly looking fellow that
walked into a bar and ordered a triple top shelf scotch and ice.
Here's your drink sir said the barman.
Y'know!!! I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got!!!
Said the old man with a cough!.
Oh!! That's no good sir , said the barman.. What have you got???
The old man replied
"50 cents"!!!
:D
I love that Moses one Nizz!! hehe! :D
GraphicallyPut
05/31/2007, 04:27 PM
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section
in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys
it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final
exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two
words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?
-
"Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat
you with experience." ~ Anonymous
GraphicallyPut
06/07/2007, 05:08 PM
More of them questions....
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????
Can you cry under water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked
anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what
is baby oil made from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but
when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Siouxie
06/08/2007, 11:35 AM
I loooooooovvvvvvveeeeeeeeee this questions :D
and yeah you really got me starting to sing those songs :D
Lol. Nice thoughts ;)
Yes, I started singing those songs too :P
Happy
06/14/2007, 03:22 PM
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails—is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”
“Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.”
“No,” she replied, “it’s the really big lobster.”
“Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”
“No, they’re definitely today’s.”
“Today’s big red lobster tails -- $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said,
“Once upon a time there was a really big, red lobster...”
:fishing:
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She’s gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5:
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy." "Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They’re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
indigo
07/04/2007, 10:40 AM
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong and taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Kathryn."
GraphicallyPut
07/14/2007, 11:00 PM
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods
looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any
sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back
home in Dubbo." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave
him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy,
but he got through it. After the store was locked up,
the manager came down and asked, "OK,so how many sales
did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued,"Just one? Our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the
sale for?"
£ 124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium
fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the
4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....
a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons
for his lady friend and I said.........'Well, since your
weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
:D
GraphicallyPut
07/15/2007, 08:12 PM
If you are going to live or visit any place west of Toowoomba, you
Need to know these rules:
1. That farm boy you see at the petrol station did MORE work before
Breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "dirt road." No matter how slow you drive,you're
Going to get dust on your BMW. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
Colour, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be
permanent.
4. We all started shooting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, We saw Babe. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Fishing Rod. Don't cry to us if a
Yellowbelly breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
Little trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that mobile phone rings while the State of Origin is on the
T.V., we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure it's
not up to Your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
ham .
9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
Served over ice.
10. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have a quarter of a million-dollar harvester that we only use
two weeks A year.
11. Let's get this straight. We have one set of lights in town. We
Stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. We don't do "hurry up" well.
13. Yeah, we eat catfish, yellowbelly, silver perch and lobbies.
You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it --
Pig farms -- income -- money? Get over it. Don't like the smell?
Warrego Hiighway goes two ways . Pick one.
15.So every person in every Ute waves? Yeah, it's called being
Friendly. Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
Spooks the fish and bothers the crocs...and if you hit it in the
rough, we Have these things called taipans, and they're not Netball
players.
17. That Copper that just pulled you over for driving like an
Idiot...his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
18. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.
You park your Beamer under them, and they'll leave a logo on your
bonnet.
19. You burn an Australian flag in our shire, you get beat up. No
Questions.
The Council has enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a
$2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
20. No, we don't care how you do things in New Zealand or down
South. If it is so great, why not stay there?
21. And no, out here we don't have an accent, you do.
I think quite a few of us live in our own versions of that "neck of the woods" :D
GraphicallyPut
07/17/2007, 12:15 AM
:D thats dead right Dave...actually it reminded me of a few of the redneck ones I've heard
Just got this one & reckon as far as pickup lines go this is a corker!!! :lol:
An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?
The 'Stella' Awards
The Stellas are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Water Or Coke ???
Which one is the 'Real Thing' ???
We all know that water is important but you've never seen it written down like this before.
WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would YOU like a glass of water or Coke?
Happy
08/09/2007, 10:53 AM
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said,
“We’re the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa.”
The cop said, “ Well, it wasn’t Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion!”
:1peek:
ozplasmic
08/10/2007, 11:53 PM
:D hehehehe!
GraphicallyPut
08/21/2007, 06:10 PM
LOVE THIS LOGIC
I Love this DOCTOR!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take
a nap.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to
your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is
also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your daily
recommended allowance of vegetable products.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine; that means they take the water
out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is
two to one, etc.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want
a bigger stomach.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand
- chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Happy
08/21/2007, 06:57 PM
[QUOTE=GraphicallyPut]LOVE THIS LOGIC
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
[/QUOTE]
This one is my favorite. This is sound reasoning to put delicious and comforting fried foods back into my meals. :yum:
GraphicallyPut
08/26/2007, 07:56 PM
:D Told my doctor that one Happy & he almost fell off his chair laughin...reckons with logic like that no wonder people think he is wrong! :lol:
This one I aint sure of it's content matter so if offensive at all to anyone feel free to delete...just gave me such a good laugh I felt compelled to share :D
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in
Florida.
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered
over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had
a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an
after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course, and age being
no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the
hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments
they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts... Claude was
thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do
it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.
ozplasmic
09/26/2007, 04:19 AM
A man tells his friend his wife is going to the
West Indies.
'Jamaica?'
'No, she's going of her
own accord.'
A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a female wrestlers bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes too. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"
photonut
09/28/2007, 06:41 AM
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly".
Kinda reminds you of that drinking problem you have where you forgot you had a straw in your soda and went to take a drink and the straw went up your nose. Don't pretend you haven't done that....hehe.
ozplasmic
11/01/2007, 02:58 AM
So there was this one about the two parrots sitting on a perch and one turns to the other and says..............
Can you smell fish!
:D
That just cracks me up every time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D
That "not eating properly" one is so funny,:D I have passed it on at least a million times by now!
My kind of humor.
heheheehe!
:D
3ple5ix
11/27/2007, 07:21 AM
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you two to the
electric chair."
========================================================
A Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the
road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong
he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, ran and got into the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying & not drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub.They, like John,
were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John
Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce .. there's that @*%# idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Happy
12/28/2007, 10:14 AM
A little boy took the chair at the barbershop.
"How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the barber.
"Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the back."
:hat:
GraphicallyPut
01/07/2008, 05:35 AM
____Four Worms and a lesson____
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said...
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service -- :D
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?
-
"Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat
you with experience." ~ Anonymous
Happy
02/05/2008, 08:38 AM
A tour bus full of American tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the tour guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shooot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
:nuts:
If he can get to Waterloo by a quarter past six he might see a sea battle .....:D
or Trafalgar Square by five past six? ...
Happy
02/06/2008, 08:35 AM
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
:sick:
I know an old lady who swallowed a fly ...
GraphicallyPut
03/17/2008, 02:10 AM
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :what:
Children's Letters to President Bush
Dear President Bush,
We’re almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut. Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I’ll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She’s from Mexico but don’t tell anyone ‘cuz it’s a big secret.
Chip, age 7
* * *
Dear President Bush,
I want a Super Soaker and Rollerblades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he’s just some fat Swede and you’re the leader of the free world. It’s no contest! Anyway, I’ve been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don’t listen.
Sonny, age 10
* * *
Dear President Bush,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy’s life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don’t accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn’t exist. It’s a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
* * *
Dear President Bush,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it’s too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It’s small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
* * *
Dear President Bush,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I’ll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
* * *
Dear President Bush,
I’m hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can’t afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
* * *
Dear President Bush,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I’m not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It’s not fair!
Teddy, age 9
* * *
Dear President Bush,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
I LOVE KIDS! :D
Happy
03/20/2008, 08:40 AM
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
:cat02:
[QUOTE=Happy]"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
:cat02:[/QUOTE]My dog would like a bone ..... :blush:
Happy
04/07/2008, 09:01 AM
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
:horse:
Happy
05/14/2008, 08:24 AM
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
:nails:
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